Welllll

I think there is something wrong with my car. Its bad.. my car shakes super bad, and it gets worse when I drive faster. My mom gave me some money to get it looked at, but I feel really bad taking it. She doesn't have much money to start with. I really need to start working on saving money better. Granted its hard, being a college student--especially a college student in an education internship. I feel like I am spending alot of money on "necessary" supplies. I think that the point is to invest in some good starter classroom stuff.. I won't write my "but" here, as what I was about to say wasn't very positive.

My cohort adviser made this awesome point in class today.. She was talking about being nice, and being nice and showing love to those we may not get along with, and treating them like they are our best friends. She said "Its not that much harder to be nice, and to go the extra mile. Most things that are nice only take a few minutes to do." It really stuck out to me. I am going to strive to diligently take the "extra time" to be nice. I experimented a little with it today and it seemed to work well. Mostly I found that the more open and humble you are with others, the more you can be kind.

Actually I have a really cool observation about my classes.... All of them are going to require me to think critically, and really examine myself in ways that I haven't done before. But most of them coincide with things that I have already made goals to do in my life, but its interesting... I can already foresee the changes that are going to be necessary for me to be successful, its just about working hard to achieve them. I need to bust out of my shell. I need to become more confident in my sense of self, because if I'm not comfortable with that, than I am going to struggle to have the presence that I need to have in a classroom. I think part of it is to learn to be affluent and express what my opinions are in a way that is non-threatening.

That's the part that I struggle with.. I really struggle with expressing opinion in group settings, and with people who I don't trust. I'm getting better though, I actually have tried speaking up during class, and its working.. kinda. Lol. Its going to take practice but I think I'll get the hang of not being afraid to speak up and say what I think.

I AM SO TIRED, and my internship has just begun. This semester is going to be killer... but I'm excited. I love my cohort so far, and I am so glad to be in the cohort I'm in. My advisor is such a wise woman. Practical, No-nonsense, but fair, and kind. She is reasonable, and doesn't waste our time. We all are placed individually in classrooms, unlike most cohorts, which helps us to grow more independently and in a different way than our peers. I am excited to grow and change this semester. I am so blessed to have the opportunities I do. <3 God is so awesome. :)

So yesterday, I caught myself laughing at someone. Its horrible, I know. I feel extremely guilty right now. haha. (Its not the reason I'm up at 5am--thats because I went to sleep extra early at like 9pm). But I just wonder how that person felt, and I know how she felt, humiliated. But yeah.. what to do, what to do. I'll text her a little later...

Today, I am adventuring to the SS Administration. I'm not really excited, it means HOURS of waiting. :( hopefully, i will find a printer before I head over there... is Kinkos open this early? I wonder if my aunt can take me to her work to print something.. I'll ask her (side note: EVERYONE IN MY HOUSE IS AWAKE--and its before 6am...).

Looks like I'm going into work with her to print the application. I've gotta shower and stuff.

-Beth

I've been thinking alot lately of my soon-to-be internship, the beginning of my Professional Development Sequence, and the beginning of the end of my time at the University of Texas.

It seems strange that in three semesters I will be graduating, hopefully Cume Laude.. I remember being a freshman and feeling really lost in the 40,000+ students and sticking close by my best friends at the time. I've had my fair share of challenges, but I am really grateful that I can say that I am a better person because of my time at UT so far.

This whole transition period between college and professionalism will be an adventure, that's for sure. I'm really nervous to start my PDS, what if my CT hates me? What if I really fail at what I have put my whole heart into? I am not really a shy person, but I really struggle to be vocal around new people and in situations that I am not familiar with. I hope this semester will be a turning point and I will be able to be successful in my student observations and student teaching. That is my prayer, and I know that I am not in this alone. I have my mom, and my siblings, my friends, my facilitator, my coordinating teacher, my cohort advisor, and most of all my Savior to help me to grow and change.

My goals for the year sort of all fall into the same categories. To be diligent, forgive, and take the opportunities that are presented to me. I'm excited to grow closer to my Heavenly Father, and to immerse myself in my PDS. :)

A Day of Rememberance

Today, it turns out, marks a very special day, and I feel really bad, because I don't really have time to remember my Dad the way I want to. Even though I know God has not removed my dad completely from my life, I often --especially this year, have really missed seeing him, and just all the temporal things that are equated with a father daughter relationship. I miss the hugs, and I miss his jokes, and sometimes I just find myself yearning for his words of comfort through this season of growth in my life.

I know though, that my dad is still with me. That he is one of my angels who watch my life carefully, and surround me when things are especially hard. God loves each of us, and I know with all my heart, that He gives us each a relationship with those that have passed on, and that I still can have my dad's love and support as I live my life. I have felt my dad around me, and I know that no matter what, his love for me can endure time. Because love does not end, this is just a very temporary trial, and in the end I will have joy if I endure well.

The reality of the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ, is so real right now, as I concentrate on finals, and strive to do all the things that are necessary for my life, the gifts I have been given by my loving Heavenly Father are more pronounced, and my ability to love others is strengthened. I felt the still, small voice testify to me of the things that I needed to hear at this time.

The Father's Plan of Salvation is real, we will be happy at the end of this life. We have much to hope for, and I am striving to never forget that. :)

Perspective.

Its about that time of year where I start struggling alot, and I begin to be overwhelmed with emotions. It all ties back to my dad passing away --December 9th, 2008. Its been 3 years almost, but I still feel so much sorrow and I still miss him more than I can express. Sometimes its anger, and sometimes its just plain being sad. I start missing the perspective that usually is easy for me to find in the scriptures. There are only certain times of the year I feel this way, and yeah. :(

I also recognize an unhealthy coping habit in my life, I tend to reassign these negative emotions to things that I feel like are more easily expressed. I begin to pick myself apart for minor mistakes, or I tend to over-analyze people and their actions towards me. Because on some level, its easier to deal with those things than with what is actually going on-- my own grieving. Part of it is that I feel like I should be "over it" already. I mean it has been three years. I can usually talk about it without crying-- but not for very long. I know people talk about it behind my back.. even family has told my mom that she shouldn't still cry about it.. But I don't FEEL that way at all, I think its okay to still cry, and to still hold onto him. I feel like my dad is still very much a part of my life, and he doesn't want me to let go of him..

I once read somewhere that "The only way to take sorrow out of death, is to take love out of life". I don't think I am ever going to stop loving my dad, nor am I expected to, but does that mean that as long as I'm on this Earth, without my dad, I will feel this sorrow? If so, I am okay with that.. its just something that I don't understand. In the scriptures, it tells us that "sorrow is fleeting" and that "joy is eternal", but am I meant to have this sorrow "fleet" out of my life right now? And am I allowing my sorrow to overcome my goals in life? (I don't think so but I just felt like adding that question in) Am I the one choosing to feel this sorrow? I have also read in the scriptures that we can CHOOSE happiness.. so am I sad, because I am not allowing the atonement to work in my life? Because I'm not allowing myself to heal?

Logically this is all so pathetic, but when I pray, I believe that this sorrow is right. That it is okay to feel sorrowful, and that this is a trial I am going through because on some level, God wants me to understand sorrow, and happiness and the roles they play in our lives.

I need to stay closer to the Lord, somehow, Satan has found his way in between myself and the Lord, and has me captive to discouragement and contention. I feel myself getting angry at little things, and discouraged in social and school settings. I was counseled that in my life, "Satan's greatest tool is discouragement" and to stay far away from discouragement. I need to be encouraged.. I need to be closer to my Savior. I think the one way I can do this is to say my prayers and study more diligently the words of the scriptures, and the words of the prophets. I need to be closer to the Spirit, and those are the two ways I see that I can improve on, so I am going to start there.

Cleaning my room! :)

I just finished cleaning out my room, the first of many steps to really keeping a clean room and actually grow up a little bit. :)

I found 3 pairs of headphones, and a whole bunch of perfume and body sprays and lotions. I still don't know where all my lotions and body sprays from Victoria Secret went.. I miss them :)

But I found and organized my yarn!!! I am ready to start making some cool stuff.. Like head bands and little tassles for my hair. I might make something really cute for the dance on Friday! I'm trying to get some friends to come with me, cuz I really don't have anyone to hang out with at church (at least I don't feel like I do) I have so many crocheting needles! :) gahh. :) I love being creative.

I was thinking about how different my life is right now than what it has been in the past. Gone are the days of thoughtless spending. And gone are the days of worrying over stuff that will never happen. I feel such peace in my life, and I am just starting the process of changing my life. Heavenly Father really does love me.

I hope things are good this coming semester, I hope that I am blessed.

I decided that my priorities will be three things...

1. Come to know my Savior better through the Atonement of Jesus Christ
2. Get into Shape
3. Make A's in school.

I'm kind of afraid right now, things never turn out how we expect. Lol. But I'll get over it. Faith is the opposite of Fear. And as soon as I develop faith, my fear will go away. :)

Right now I'm listening to "My Heavenly Father Loves Me", here is the link to it on youtube.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8FdW0diox4

Its such a great little video and I love the song. Its so pretty.
I'm going to stop writing now..

-Beth

So I got home taught yesterday and I was thinking about how thankful that I am for the Priesthood Power in my life. I hadn't been home taught for a while, and I was starting to feel really overwhelmed with my life and with all the things that were going on. Given, most of this is all self-inflicted. Most of it I CHOSE. I CHOSE to quit my job, and to say not very nice things to friends, and I chose to be hurt when my friends left the church. I even choose to feel hurt when my mom, sister, and brother bash me for believing.

But I really needed the power of the gospel in my life. I needed someone to let me know "Hey, its hard right now, but if you push through this there ARE blessings ahead." It meant alot to me to have my home teacher look me in the eye and really let me know I was loved and that my Heavenly Father was looking out for me. That all my sacrifices, and trials would be for my own good. I mean I read it in the scriptures all the time, that all my trials will pass, and that everything is recognized before the Lord. But I think it was truly what I needed at the time, someone to sit in front of me and let me know that all the things I was struggling with were known before the Lord, and that things would be okay. I don't think I've had that kind of conversation with anyone since my best friend Andy went on his mission last August.

How grateful I am for good home teachers and friends in my life. It means alot to me to have their influences in my life. Especially because my dad passed away. I feel an overwhelming gratitude toward the men in my life who step up and encourage, protect, and believe in me. There is something really powerful in a man who follows the promptings of the Spirit, and one who is righteous and respects both his place and my place in God's creation. I will be forever indebted to the Bishops, Home Teachers, and Friends who step up to listen and encourage. It is such a reflection of God's love for me, and not just that, but His love for His children.. all of them.

It encourages me to do better.

I heard the phrase again today, "Say your prayers morning and night, study sciptures that inspire you.." It is repeated in EVERY blessing and prayer that is about me. I really need to start working on that.

Well I will definitely do my best! <3

-Beth