Today, it turns out, marks a very special day, and I feel really bad, because I don't really have time to remember my Dad the way I want to. Even though I know God has not removed my dad completely from my life, I often --especially this year, have really missed seeing him, and just all the temporal things that are equated with a father daughter relationship. I miss the hugs, and I miss his jokes, and sometimes I just find myself yearning for his words of comfort through this season of growth in my life.
I know though, that my dad is still with me. That he is one of my angels who watch my life carefully, and surround me when things are especially hard. God loves each of us, and I know with all my heart, that He gives us each a relationship with those that have passed on, and that I still can have my dad's love and support as I live my life. I have felt my dad around me, and I know that no matter what, his love for me can endure time. Because love does not end, this is just a very temporary trial, and in the end I will have joy if I endure well.
The reality of the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ, is so real right now, as I concentrate on finals, and strive to do all the things that are necessary for my life, the gifts I have been given by my loving Heavenly Father are more pronounced, and my ability to love others is strengthened. I felt the still, small voice testify to me of the things that I needed to hear at this time.
The Father's Plan of Salvation is real, we will be happy at the end of this life. We have much to hope for, and I am striving to never forget that. :)
Friday, December 9, 2011
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Perspective.
Its about that time of year where I start struggling alot, and I begin to be overwhelmed with emotions. It all ties back to my dad passing away --December 9th, 2008. Its been 3 years almost, but I still feel so much sorrow and I still miss him more than I can express. Sometimes its anger, and sometimes its just plain being sad. I start missing the perspective that usually is easy for me to find in the scriptures. There are only certain times of the year I feel this way, and yeah. :(
I also recognize an unhealthy coping habit in my life, I tend to reassign these negative emotions to things that I feel like are more easily expressed. I begin to pick myself apart for minor mistakes, or I tend to over-analyze people and their actions towards me. Because on some level, its easier to deal with those things than with what is actually going on-- my own grieving. Part of it is that I feel like I should be "over it" already. I mean it has been three years. I can usually talk about it without crying-- but not for very long. I know people talk about it behind my back.. even family has told my mom that she shouldn't still cry about it.. But I don't FEEL that way at all, I think its okay to still cry, and to still hold onto him. I feel like my dad is still very much a part of my life, and he doesn't want me to let go of him..
I once read somewhere that "The only way to take sorrow out of death, is to take love out of life". I don't think I am ever going to stop loving my dad, nor am I expected to, but does that mean that as long as I'm on this Earth, without my dad, I will feel this sorrow? If so, I am okay with that.. its just something that I don't understand. In the scriptures, it tells us that "sorrow is fleeting" and that "joy is eternal", but am I meant to have this sorrow "fleet" out of my life right now? And am I allowing my sorrow to overcome my goals in life? (I don't think so but I just felt like adding that question in) Am I the one choosing to feel this sorrow? I have also read in the scriptures that we can CHOOSE happiness.. so am I sad, because I am not allowing the atonement to work in my life? Because I'm not allowing myself to heal?
Logically this is all so pathetic, but when I pray, I believe that this sorrow is right. That it is okay to feel sorrowful, and that this is a trial I am going through because on some level, God wants me to understand sorrow, and happiness and the roles they play in our lives.
I need to stay closer to the Lord, somehow, Satan has found his way in between myself and the Lord, and has me captive to discouragement and contention. I feel myself getting angry at little things, and discouraged in social and school settings. I was counseled that in my life, "Satan's greatest tool is discouragement" and to stay far away from discouragement. I need to be encouraged.. I need to be closer to my Savior. I think the one way I can do this is to say my prayers and study more diligently the words of the scriptures, and the words of the prophets. I need to be closer to the Spirit, and those are the two ways I see that I can improve on, so I am going to start there.
I also recognize an unhealthy coping habit in my life, I tend to reassign these negative emotions to things that I feel like are more easily expressed. I begin to pick myself apart for minor mistakes, or I tend to over-analyze people and their actions towards me. Because on some level, its easier to deal with those things than with what is actually going on-- my own grieving. Part of it is that I feel like I should be "over it" already. I mean it has been three years. I can usually talk about it without crying-- but not for very long. I know people talk about it behind my back.. even family has told my mom that she shouldn't still cry about it.. But I don't FEEL that way at all, I think its okay to still cry, and to still hold onto him. I feel like my dad is still very much a part of my life, and he doesn't want me to let go of him..
I once read somewhere that "The only way to take sorrow out of death, is to take love out of life". I don't think I am ever going to stop loving my dad, nor am I expected to, but does that mean that as long as I'm on this Earth, without my dad, I will feel this sorrow? If so, I am okay with that.. its just something that I don't understand. In the scriptures, it tells us that "sorrow is fleeting" and that "joy is eternal", but am I meant to have this sorrow "fleet" out of my life right now? And am I allowing my sorrow to overcome my goals in life? (I don't think so but I just felt like adding that question in) Am I the one choosing to feel this sorrow? I have also read in the scriptures that we can CHOOSE happiness.. so am I sad, because I am not allowing the atonement to work in my life? Because I'm not allowing myself to heal?
Logically this is all so pathetic, but when I pray, I believe that this sorrow is right. That it is okay to feel sorrowful, and that this is a trial I am going through because on some level, God wants me to understand sorrow, and happiness and the roles they play in our lives.
I need to stay closer to the Lord, somehow, Satan has found his way in between myself and the Lord, and has me captive to discouragement and contention. I feel myself getting angry at little things, and discouraged in social and school settings. I was counseled that in my life, "Satan's greatest tool is discouragement" and to stay far away from discouragement. I need to be encouraged.. I need to be closer to my Savior. I think the one way I can do this is to say my prayers and study more diligently the words of the scriptures, and the words of the prophets. I need to be closer to the Spirit, and those are the two ways I see that I can improve on, so I am going to start there.
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