Perspective.

Its about that time of year where I start struggling alot, and I begin to be overwhelmed with emotions. It all ties back to my dad passing away --December 9th, 2008. Its been 3 years almost, but I still feel so much sorrow and I still miss him more than I can express. Sometimes its anger, and sometimes its just plain being sad. I start missing the perspective that usually is easy for me to find in the scriptures. There are only certain times of the year I feel this way, and yeah. :(

I also recognize an unhealthy coping habit in my life, I tend to reassign these negative emotions to things that I feel like are more easily expressed. I begin to pick myself apart for minor mistakes, or I tend to over-analyze people and their actions towards me. Because on some level, its easier to deal with those things than with what is actually going on-- my own grieving. Part of it is that I feel like I should be "over it" already. I mean it has been three years. I can usually talk about it without crying-- but not for very long. I know people talk about it behind my back.. even family has told my mom that she shouldn't still cry about it.. But I don't FEEL that way at all, I think its okay to still cry, and to still hold onto him. I feel like my dad is still very much a part of my life, and he doesn't want me to let go of him..

I once read somewhere that "The only way to take sorrow out of death, is to take love out of life". I don't think I am ever going to stop loving my dad, nor am I expected to, but does that mean that as long as I'm on this Earth, without my dad, I will feel this sorrow? If so, I am okay with that.. its just something that I don't understand. In the scriptures, it tells us that "sorrow is fleeting" and that "joy is eternal", but am I meant to have this sorrow "fleet" out of my life right now? And am I allowing my sorrow to overcome my goals in life? (I don't think so but I just felt like adding that question in) Am I the one choosing to feel this sorrow? I have also read in the scriptures that we can CHOOSE happiness.. so am I sad, because I am not allowing the atonement to work in my life? Because I'm not allowing myself to heal?

Logically this is all so pathetic, but when I pray, I believe that this sorrow is right. That it is okay to feel sorrowful, and that this is a trial I am going through because on some level, God wants me to understand sorrow, and happiness and the roles they play in our lives.

I need to stay closer to the Lord, somehow, Satan has found his way in between myself and the Lord, and has me captive to discouragement and contention. I feel myself getting angry at little things, and discouraged in social and school settings. I was counseled that in my life, "Satan's greatest tool is discouragement" and to stay far away from discouragement. I need to be encouraged.. I need to be closer to my Savior. I think the one way I can do this is to say my prayers and study more diligently the words of the scriptures, and the words of the prophets. I need to be closer to the Spirit, and those are the two ways I see that I can improve on, so I am going to start there.