A Day of Rememberance

Today, it turns out, marks a very special day, and I feel really bad, because I don't really have time to remember my Dad the way I want to. Even though I know God has not removed my dad completely from my life, I often --especially this year, have really missed seeing him, and just all the temporal things that are equated with a father daughter relationship. I miss the hugs, and I miss his jokes, and sometimes I just find myself yearning for his words of comfort through this season of growth in my life.

I know though, that my dad is still with me. That he is one of my angels who watch my life carefully, and surround me when things are especially hard. God loves each of us, and I know with all my heart, that He gives us each a relationship with those that have passed on, and that I still can have my dad's love and support as I live my life. I have felt my dad around me, and I know that no matter what, his love for me can endure time. Because love does not end, this is just a very temporary trial, and in the end I will have joy if I endure well.

The reality of the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ, is so real right now, as I concentrate on finals, and strive to do all the things that are necessary for my life, the gifts I have been given by my loving Heavenly Father are more pronounced, and my ability to love others is strengthened. I felt the still, small voice testify to me of the things that I needed to hear at this time.

The Father's Plan of Salvation is real, we will be happy at the end of this life. We have much to hope for, and I am striving to never forget that. :)

Perspective.

Its about that time of year where I start struggling alot, and I begin to be overwhelmed with emotions. It all ties back to my dad passing away --December 9th, 2008. Its been 3 years almost, but I still feel so much sorrow and I still miss him more than I can express. Sometimes its anger, and sometimes its just plain being sad. I start missing the perspective that usually is easy for me to find in the scriptures. There are only certain times of the year I feel this way, and yeah. :(

I also recognize an unhealthy coping habit in my life, I tend to reassign these negative emotions to things that I feel like are more easily expressed. I begin to pick myself apart for minor mistakes, or I tend to over-analyze people and their actions towards me. Because on some level, its easier to deal with those things than with what is actually going on-- my own grieving. Part of it is that I feel like I should be "over it" already. I mean it has been three years. I can usually talk about it without crying-- but not for very long. I know people talk about it behind my back.. even family has told my mom that she shouldn't still cry about it.. But I don't FEEL that way at all, I think its okay to still cry, and to still hold onto him. I feel like my dad is still very much a part of my life, and he doesn't want me to let go of him..

I once read somewhere that "The only way to take sorrow out of death, is to take love out of life". I don't think I am ever going to stop loving my dad, nor am I expected to, but does that mean that as long as I'm on this Earth, without my dad, I will feel this sorrow? If so, I am okay with that.. its just something that I don't understand. In the scriptures, it tells us that "sorrow is fleeting" and that "joy is eternal", but am I meant to have this sorrow "fleet" out of my life right now? And am I allowing my sorrow to overcome my goals in life? (I don't think so but I just felt like adding that question in) Am I the one choosing to feel this sorrow? I have also read in the scriptures that we can CHOOSE happiness.. so am I sad, because I am not allowing the atonement to work in my life? Because I'm not allowing myself to heal?

Logically this is all so pathetic, but when I pray, I believe that this sorrow is right. That it is okay to feel sorrowful, and that this is a trial I am going through because on some level, God wants me to understand sorrow, and happiness and the roles they play in our lives.

I need to stay closer to the Lord, somehow, Satan has found his way in between myself and the Lord, and has me captive to discouragement and contention. I feel myself getting angry at little things, and discouraged in social and school settings. I was counseled that in my life, "Satan's greatest tool is discouragement" and to stay far away from discouragement. I need to be encouraged.. I need to be closer to my Savior. I think the one way I can do this is to say my prayers and study more diligently the words of the scriptures, and the words of the prophets. I need to be closer to the Spirit, and those are the two ways I see that I can improve on, so I am going to start there.

Cleaning my room! :)

I just finished cleaning out my room, the first of many steps to really keeping a clean room and actually grow up a little bit. :)

I found 3 pairs of headphones, and a whole bunch of perfume and body sprays and lotions. I still don't know where all my lotions and body sprays from Victoria Secret went.. I miss them :)

But I found and organized my yarn!!! I am ready to start making some cool stuff.. Like head bands and little tassles for my hair. I might make something really cute for the dance on Friday! I'm trying to get some friends to come with me, cuz I really don't have anyone to hang out with at church (at least I don't feel like I do) I have so many crocheting needles! :) gahh. :) I love being creative.

I was thinking about how different my life is right now than what it has been in the past. Gone are the days of thoughtless spending. And gone are the days of worrying over stuff that will never happen. I feel such peace in my life, and I am just starting the process of changing my life. Heavenly Father really does love me.

I hope things are good this coming semester, I hope that I am blessed.

I decided that my priorities will be three things...

1. Come to know my Savior better through the Atonement of Jesus Christ
2. Get into Shape
3. Make A's in school.

I'm kind of afraid right now, things never turn out how we expect. Lol. But I'll get over it. Faith is the opposite of Fear. And as soon as I develop faith, my fear will go away. :)

Right now I'm listening to "My Heavenly Father Loves Me", here is the link to it on youtube.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8FdW0diox4

Its such a great little video and I love the song. Its so pretty.
I'm going to stop writing now..

-Beth

So I got home taught yesterday and I was thinking about how thankful that I am for the Priesthood Power in my life. I hadn't been home taught for a while, and I was starting to feel really overwhelmed with my life and with all the things that were going on. Given, most of this is all self-inflicted. Most of it I CHOSE. I CHOSE to quit my job, and to say not very nice things to friends, and I chose to be hurt when my friends left the church. I even choose to feel hurt when my mom, sister, and brother bash me for believing.

But I really needed the power of the gospel in my life. I needed someone to let me know "Hey, its hard right now, but if you push through this there ARE blessings ahead." It meant alot to me to have my home teacher look me in the eye and really let me know I was loved and that my Heavenly Father was looking out for me. That all my sacrifices, and trials would be for my own good. I mean I read it in the scriptures all the time, that all my trials will pass, and that everything is recognized before the Lord. But I think it was truly what I needed at the time, someone to sit in front of me and let me know that all the things I was struggling with were known before the Lord, and that things would be okay. I don't think I've had that kind of conversation with anyone since my best friend Andy went on his mission last August.

How grateful I am for good home teachers and friends in my life. It means alot to me to have their influences in my life. Especially because my dad passed away. I feel an overwhelming gratitude toward the men in my life who step up and encourage, protect, and believe in me. There is something really powerful in a man who follows the promptings of the Spirit, and one who is righteous and respects both his place and my place in God's creation. I will be forever indebted to the Bishops, Home Teachers, and Friends who step up to listen and encourage. It is such a reflection of God's love for me, and not just that, but His love for His children.. all of them.

It encourages me to do better.

I heard the phrase again today, "Say your prayers morning and night, study sciptures that inspire you.." It is repeated in EVERY blessing and prayer that is about me. I really need to start working on that.

Well I will definitely do my best! <3

-Beth

Be of Good Cheer

I was thinking today on the way home from work about how much our Heavenly Father loves us. Even though I do all I can, sometimes things get mixed up and nothing works out the way that it is supposed to. Sometimes it feels like we are losing all the things that we need in life, and sometimes it turns out to be completely our fault that these bad things are happening to us.

But I was thinking about how fortunate it is that we are given a Savior, to make up the difference. When we do all we can, and still don't measure up, how beautiful is it that we are not required to worry, and that we have a Savior who will bridge that gap. I read an article on lds.org from the July 2011 issue that talks about that very thing (I'll link it at the bottom of this page).

The article is all about my favorite scripture, John 16:33.

Here is a quote I pulled out that I really liked

"When Christ proclaims, “Be of good cheer,” He is not requesting a naïve, Pollyanna-like response to life’s cruel twists and turns. Nor is He promising a pain-free life of constant bliss. Trial is no respecter of persons. Tragedy and hardship do not discriminate. Our world sees opposition among rich and poor, men and women, the righteous as well as the wicked. The Savior specifically prayed that God would not take us “out of the world” (John 17:15). “In this world your joy is not full,” He taught, “but in me your joy is full” (D&C 101:36). True happiness and satisfaction are found only by turning away from the world and coming to Christ."
-CAMILLE FRONK OLSON

I like this quote, as we all journey through life on our own quests for happiness, I think its important that we all remember this.. that true happiness comes from coming unto Christ. :)

you never know.

I'm so grateful for the people in my life who love and motivate me to be better. Its been a rough couple of weeks, and I feel like I go from one stressful situation to another, and right now I'm just grateful that I have these learning experiences. I just have to keep telling myself, that these lessons that I'm learning are so that I can be perfected and become more like my Heavenly Father.

Not to say that to down grade anyone else's problems, we all have our issues, and it is HARD to go through this life, but I am so grateful that we all have our problems, and that here is a plan for all of us to become better.

With that said, I realize as I'm writing this that I sound so bogus. Many of the problems that I've been having stem from ME. I'm the maker of my own problems. Sure, other people add to the stress I feel, but ultimately I choose the people in my life, and I choose to be lazy and idle with my time.

But regardless of where these issues are coming from... we all still have hope that maybe in time we can learn and grow and not cause our own problems. Our Savior is willing to help us no matter where the problems come from. I'm so grateful for that, and for the love He helps me to have for others. :)

So I am feeling mighty blessed. :)

With all the crap that has happened in the past few weeks, (most of it self inflicted, and i was totally in control of my situation.. i know) I can't believe I find myself truly happy with the way life is going.

I am so blessed to have a Heavenly Father who is willing to give me hardships to help me grow, and who is willing to push me to the very end of my limits before pouring out his blessings upon me. My life is truly led by a Heavenly Father who is all knowing and who loves me.

:)

“Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us..."

I'm back to a habit I used to have. I decided I'm definitely going to start keeping a blog again. No matter how stupid or insignificant, I am going to post how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about.

During a destructive stage of life, I stopped blogging, and journalling, and basically threw away and deleted lots of posts, and journals (as you can't tell by my empty blog). Haha. well.. I can't promise I won't do that again, but what I can say, is that it is important to me now that I start sharing how I'm feeling, and expressing my emotions.

Today, I went to a church class, and we were talking about repentance. And about how every time we change in order to do better, no matter how small, we are in essence repenting.. It just really touched me. I realized all these things I was feeling guilty for, and responsible for, weren't things I needed to worry about. They have been resolved to the best of my abilities, and I won't make myself feel bad for them anymore.

It really was an uplifting and freeing experience. That yes, its important to remember things so that we don't repeat them, but its not necessary at all to keep the burdens in our hearts if we've repented.

It falls into a pattern of my life. I'm not one of those people who can simply feel anything. Everything I believe in, and everything I choose to stand for is a decision I have made on a personal level. Believing is a choice, having faith is a choice. Everyone person I choose to have in my life was chosen. And yes, I am very free with friends, or have been in the past, and I always want people to like me and want to be my friend, I am realizing that while its okay to see the best in other people, sometimes those people don't belong in circles close to me because there are red flags in those friendships.

No one's life is easy, and we have to learn to respect that about everyone. We can't judge others based upon their hardships, or the people they are when encountering those hardships. Because those things aren't what defines them.. I believe whole heartedly, that someone is closest to who they truly are when they are acting in ways that reflect our Savior Jesus Christ. It is only then that we can see the great potential that we have in this life.

It doesn't make things easier when friends push us away because we remind them of something they are trying to avoid, and it doesn't make it any less of a struggle to miss people we've lost in our lives, but it gives me hope-- that no matter what happens, sorrow, guilt, missing someone, etc are not permanent feelings. And they will not be carried with us through life... unless we choose them to be.

We can CHOOSE to be happy, to be close to our Heavenly Father, and to live our lives a day at a time.

“Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us... Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.”