on hard things.

I don't know why I am so drawn to blogging. When I want to put my thoughts in order, I guess its just what I do. I don't post about my daily life, but just when I've had a HUGE shift in how I see the world. Which happens often enough to warrant a need to be proactive and post about it.

This requires me to share a little more about myself than I would in normal circumstances. I guess I need to explain. I am currently on this "accept yourself for you" kick, and have been all summer. I'm reading "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen R. Covey, and its a really big source of like "ohh.. maybe I should do that more"; "i think i need to change my perspective..." and "omgosh i'm an idiot" moments and its taking me quite a while to figure it out. Another fact you have to know about me is that I find it really difficult to become close with people and connect on a personal level. I've been told its trust issues, the inability to allow myself to be vulnerable, and me being stubborn, paranoid, and a billion other things. Whatever it is, I'm working on it. So if I'm a little weird, forgive me, cuz well... aren't we all a little weird? Or if I seem like I'm confiding in a person too much, its basically that I trust that person to not judge me or view me as a burden (both of which I've had happen... not the best source of comfort) ha.

So what's been going on? I've been having lots of issues accepting the good and the bad of life. I'm afraid about how things are going to work in the future, and I'm scared and nervous about what the coming school year will bring. I mean, in the spring, I'll be graduating!! WHAT? And where am I in life? What on a personal level have I acheived? What have I overcome? Where do I go from there? I want to serve a mission, but what about student loans? What about finding a career? What if no one wants to hire me? ahhh. There are so many insecurities. I'm letting them all get to me. And then there are insecurities about relationships.. what if I don't really matter to anyone? what if this person is tired of me? how can i feel like i'm making a difference? what if this person doesn't actually want to be my friend? what if I am alone forever? what if that person is talking about me behind my back? gahh. I'm such a girl, but these are legit feelings of insecurity.

The truth is, I'm feeling a little discouraged by all of these things. This is normal right? I get overwhelmed because well... what can I do about any of these things? I can't really get rid of insecurities, of gossip, of how people view me, BUT i can change how I see others, and how I view myself and the actions I take. Buuuut yea. what should those actions be? How do I overcome this "discouragement"?

The only way I know how is to fill my time with worthwhile friends, service, work, and school. To not give myself the option of quitting no matter how hard it is to keep going. And bring myself to make small changes every day. Maybe eventually this will all fall into place?

I guess I'll be hoping it does. <3

Grandparents and the hand of the Lord

I went to my grandparents house Tuesday and Wednesday of last week. I was really touched by how much they love me and have done for me throughout my life. Perhaps i could go as far to say that it was their influence who taught me to see God and Jesus Christ in my life. What touched me though was my grandmother's humble prayers for me and others she cares for. My grandmother prays for me by name each day, possibly even multiple times a day. As I listened to her pray, the Spirit washed over me and revealed to me that she had prayed for me everyday of my entire life. It humbled me, and I began to understand a little better what true charity and kindness was. I mean, where would I be without those prayers? Without my grandparents loving examples in my life? I am so blessed to have grown up close to them and to have had them influence my life like they have. Honestly, they have truly acted as my rescuers. Never forcing me to believe but loving me so that I felt God's love. I am grateful for them and their examples. True charity is loving others in such a way as to lead them to the only One who can see them for who they truly are. How blessed are we to have such a loving Father to guide us and love us!!!

my toes are sunburt

I went tubing today, the only part of my body that is sun burnt is my toes.

Despite this, I had a really good day, and I feel really good that I spent the day in the sunshine. <3 I love it. I am really hungry though. I'm not sure why. I'm not eating either, gotta start being more healthy. Snacking at 10pm is never a good idea.

I'm not really sure what I'm writing about today, I'm just writing what comes to mind. Its not like many people read this anyway. haha. I could say whatever I want and it wouldn't make any difference.

Here is something I've been thinking about lately... I really feel like the congregation I go to of my church is too social. Which isn't bad at all, I just feel like I am always just outside of the social circles. Never really included, but not really excluded either.. I'm not sure how to explain it. But like.. when I hang out with people, I'm not really included in conversations, and I sometimes feel like it doesn't matter whether or not I'm there.. I guess just sort of like I don't have a significant role in the friendships. I guess I'm just unnoticed, and that really does bother me, because I do my best to notice and include everyone. Maybe this is me being selfish, and me making my own problems. I mean... I know my Heavenly Father loves me, and I am trying to let this go, and just focus on other things, but like... how do you not focus on it when you are constantly reminded of it? I'm missing the point of all of this...


Ehhh. I feel like talking, but I don't have anyone to call. I don't want to be a burden. haha.

I wanna focus on happy things. So here is my list of happy things. :)

1. I am starting a new job soon! Its going to be a great opportunity! :)
2. I am going to go and see my class next week, and they always make me happy. :)
3. my best friend who moved to california in middle school is moving back to ATX!!!
4. Summer=more time to crochet
5. I'm going to do lots of volunteering this summer.
6. i get to see my aunt from florida in June! <3
7. HALF PRICE BOOKS ONCE A WEEK!

My Memoir

Ever since I was a kid my dad and I had a special relationship. As most most children have with their parents. My dad was my hero, he held me when I was sick, wrestled with me on lazy summer afternoons, drove me everywhere, and taught me what it meant to forgive. My dad worked nights, so he was always home during the day to volunteer at my school, pick me up early, or hang out with me when I skipped school. Those were the days that were the most fun, sometimes I didn’t want to go to school, or I had an assignment I didn’t feel like turning in. I didn’t skip often, but it happened, and those times are now treasured memories of my dad.

I don’t have many specific memories of my dad. Most of the legacy he left was through his character, his consistency, his devotion, and his kind heart. I’m not saying he was perfect, as he certainly had many flaws, but those flaws aren’t worth remembering. I don’t believe in remembering bad times, and I don’t like dwelling on things that I will never be able reconcile until I meet him again.

Its hard for me to put into words what its like to lose a parent. It happens inevitably to most people at some point in their lives, for me, it was when I was a senior in high school. It was a cold morning, just before winter break. I went to church that morning as I did every morning for my whole high school career, and then I went straight to school as I had a big project due, as well as a test in my AP Chemistry class. Around 8am I realized I didn’t have my school ID badge. At most schools this isn’t a big deal, but at Del Valle High School, no ID meant a day in ISS as most teachers would not let you in their classes unless you had it hanging around your neck on the obligatory, ugly, black lanyard. I used a friend’s cell phone to call home, to tell my mom to bring it when she brought my twin sister to school. I didn’t have a cell phone, but my mom and twin did. When I called my mom, the line was busy, so annoyed, I hung up and dialed my sister’s phone. When she answered, I knew immediately something was wrong, she sounded scared and sad. She said I needed to come home right away. I hung up and started crying, my heart already knew what had happened. My friend called her dad, and he drove me to my house. He and my friend watched as I entered and stood in the doorway of my home as my worst fears were realized. I cried, and broke down right there in the doorway.

The day was a blur and I couldn’t decipher my own feelings. My aunt came home from work, and within a few days I had both sets of grandparents, my two uncles and several aunts in my house. I had visitors from school, church, and from my dad’s work. Many brought food and offered heartfelt condolences, prayers, and a listening ear to my family. I am blessed with a close family and many friends, and I will be forever grateful for the kindness shown to me during that time. I spent hours after that writing in journals, collecting pictures, and researching family history, trying to record my life. My dad had left me many many lessons to learn from his life, but he had not recorded any of them.

As a kid, my family spent hours in a small bookstore off of Manchaca, called “The Book Exchange”, it holds many many memories and its the most common place my dad took us on our family outings. We would always have to wake up at insane hours of the morning, because that’s when my dad would be getting off of work. He would take us to get breakfast at Grandy’s or Vic’s Bar B Que, then to the bank, and then we’d inevitably wind up at this little bookstore. My dad and the owner forged a deep friendship, and whenever we showed up we would be able to pick any books we wanted. The prices were super cheap, books for twenty-five cents if you brought in your own used books. We would leave there happy and then go home and spend hours reading our new treasures. As we got older, these trips happened less often, but my dad is the one who taught me to love reading, and to appreciate the different perspectives that you often came across when you read.

Then when the Harry Potter books became popular, my family took great pleasure in reading them together. Not like, everyone sitting down to read the book aloud, but we had to buy a copy for each person in our house, or else there were major battles over the books. We would make all kinds of wagers on what was going to happen, and who we thought was going to die. I remember when the fifth book came out, my dad predicted Sirius Black’s death. I was so mad when I read the book to find out he was right, that I didn’t talk to him for the whole day. My dad was always the one who finished the books first, he read faster than anyone else I have ever met.

One time, he took a free online IQ test. He scored insanely high, so high, that within a few weeks he had a letter from Mensa, asking him if he’d like to be a part of their organization. My dad declined, as he was humble about his brains. My had dad joined the Air Force after he graduated from high school, so he never attended a traditional college. I think that he thought Mensa would laugh at him when they realized he wasn’t a college graduate. He never mentioned what his IQ was but from my mom’s questioning we knew it was higher than 150, but below 180. Whenever we wanted to push his buttons, we would mention this incident to him, and he’d get mad and leave the room in a huff.

My dad also loved history. He would watch the history channel for hours at a time, and devour books about history. He had many in his collection. He would read our history textbooks from school, cover to cover. He knew so much, and would explain situations in history to us like they were from a sort of trivia game. I still can’t watch the history channel without expecting him to add in some random fact, or opposing opinion. He was my go to person when I wanted to understand a perspective from history. It was him who first explained the reasons for the civil war to me, and him who taught me about the second World War.

Along with his interest in history, was his ability to remember weird facts. He was the only person I’ve ever met, who would read the encyclopedia because he was bored, or sometimes would sit for hours and read the dictionary. I’ve tried it since his death, and I still don’t quite get why he would want to read things like that. My dad had numerous dictionaries about medicine, prescription drugs, he owned the Quran, the Tanakh, the Satanic Bible, and many other religious texts. He was well versed in the Christian Bible, and the Apocrypha. My dad read everything.

It is in these respects I am living his legacy. After his death, I found myself choosing to attend the University of Texas to honor his memory. He was one of the biggest fans of the Longhorns I had ever met. He watched the games he could religiously. I love reading, and I will always honor his memory. I find myself reading the same books he loved, going to that little bookstore on Manchaca, and connecting myself to him as much as I can. After all, it is the least I could do for someone who spent his whole life working to give me the very best. Its been three years, but I can still hear his voice telling me, “If babies and puppies still will approach you, than you are still a good person.” His memory will be in my heart until I see him again after this life, and I will always be, his little girl.



This is a memoir I wrote for a class. :) thought I'd share. :)

Have a great week!

procrastination--i'm a rock star

I think that one of two things is wrong with my life right now,

Either-- I'm so good at procrastinating that I don't realize when I'm doing it, or I just don't have enough time to do everything I need to do. Either way, I am behind, and I'm so behind in fact that I decided to write a blog about it. Just to make me feel better.

Alright, I'm not that far behind, I just have some big project deadlines that I'm flirting with, and I am feeling desperate to get to the end of all of them. I know I am not alone in this desperation, and I know things will be fine, but I am definitely feeling the pressure.



Because Conference was a week ago, I have been taking some time to re-evaluate my life and where I stand on my goals and on my plans for my own life. Like everyone else my age, I want a clearer picture of what is going to happen with my life, and more than that, I want a clearer picture of what it is the that Lord would have me do in my life. I know I'm supposed to teach, and that someday I will be a mother and wife, but I'm missing the time table. In a year, I'll be graduating, and possibly planning to go on a mission. There is only one person who knows when all these things will happen, and that's Heavenly Father. Its just hard to plan when I have no idea what I'm planning for. Its like that scripture in Nephi--- "And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do." Only... I really really really want to know. I probably should focus on being more patient...

I am lucky though, over the past few days the Lord has really made his presence known in my life. Specific questions that I wanted answered have been answered, and things that I have been struggling with have been resolved. But I'm finding a whole slew of new things that I feel the Lord wants me to change about myself, and a pretty clear picture of the Daughter I'm supposed to be, just kind of missing the road map-- and the tools to get myself there. I think the Lord is waiting for me to make a decision and stick to it before he reveals anything else to me. But I am not sure which is the path that I'll be of the most use... soo I guess I need to figure out which one I feel led to, and then stick to it.

What else is going on in my world?

I'll list a few...

1)Working
2)reading eragon-- still
3)saving $$
4)church hopping-- I just want to see the different types of worship.. not changing religions or anything
5)transient friend phase
6)summer jobs...
7)blue-bonnets
8)lots of school
9)readinggg book of mormon (lots)
10)catching up on conference -- i missed two sessions cuz i had to work on sat.

and lots of other stuff.
that i'm too lazy to list.
<3

-Beth

ranting, raving, gossiping.

This week has been a week that has taught and humbled me. I realized I needed to work on how I presented myself, and how I speak about those I love. The way you speak about others really does indicate the type of person you are and the type of person that you will become. If you spend alot of time talking about the flaws of others, you don't concentrate on the flaws you need to work on, and blame others for your own faults. And most of all. you break down those who you should be relying upon. Just to be fair, I have been on both sides of the gossip, rants, and unkind things spoken. I just realized--with some strong lessons from church and real life, that its not worth it. There are other things to talk about, and other ways to express yourself.

What I learned on Sunday though was this.. Gossip is anything that is said that would make the person being talked about feel bad. I think that its important to remember that "ranting" about someone is a form of gossip, saying anything about someone else you would not feel comfortable saying in front of that person. I also heard this bit of wisdom that I loved "If you aren't part of the problem or the solution then you probably shouldn't be talking about it." and "If you have a problem with someone, go directly to that person." I need to work on implementing these things in my life. I have tried it so far this week, and I have found I feel better about myself, and I feel better about those around me.

I think there is an underlying message here though, Heavenly Father is the only one who knows all things, and all peoples situations. I am not here to judge another, only to be kind, and to show kindness in whatever capacity that is expected. This week I am working on just listening to others... I am not asking for anything this week in my prayers, only being grateful, sharing my feelings, and lessons that I've learned. Its been pretty miraculous actually, I won't get into that on this blog though. I have been blessed in many things, Heavenly Father has truly been at work in my life. Another message is this... We should work to love, if we spend too much time complaining, or finding fault, we have no time to love.

Another thing that I've learned lately is that there truly is a plan for our lives. My cousin cousin committed suicide the Wednesday before Spring Break. Its been hard to deal with, on the one hand, I find myself pondering what I could have done, and then on the other I have this peace in my heart. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for our lives, and because I know that He has a plan, I know that He knows her heart. And that she is in His care now.

poems

So Much Happiness
It is difficult to know what to do with so much happiness.
With sadness there is something to rub against,
a wound to tend with lotion and cloth.
When the world falls in around you, you have pieces to pick up,
something to hold in your hands, like ticket stubs or change.
But happiness floats.
It doesn't need you to hold it down.
It doesn't need anything.
Happiness lands on the roof of the next house, singing,
and disappears when it wants to.
You are happy either way.
Even the fact that you once lived in a peaceful tree house
and now live over a quarry of noise and dust
cannot make you unhappy.
Everything has a life of its own,
it too could wake up filled with possibilities
of coffee cake and ripe peaches,
and love even the floor which needs to be swept,
the soiled linens and scratched records…..
Since there is no place large enough
to contain so much happiness,
you shrug, you raise your hands, and it flows out of you
into everything you touch. You are not responsible.
You take no credit, as the night sky takes no credit
for the moon, but continues to hold it, and share it,
and in that way, be known.

Naomi Shihab Nye


I love this poem. <3