on hard things.

I don't know why I am so drawn to blogging. When I want to put my thoughts in order, I guess its just what I do. I don't post about my daily life, but just when I've had a HUGE shift in how I see the world. Which happens often enough to warrant a need to be proactive and post about it.

This requires me to share a little more about myself than I would in normal circumstances. I guess I need to explain. I am currently on this "accept yourself for you" kick, and have been all summer. I'm reading "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen R. Covey, and its a really big source of like "ohh.. maybe I should do that more"; "i think i need to change my perspective..." and "omgosh i'm an idiot" moments and its taking me quite a while to figure it out. Another fact you have to know about me is that I find it really difficult to become close with people and connect on a personal level. I've been told its trust issues, the inability to allow myself to be vulnerable, and me being stubborn, paranoid, and a billion other things. Whatever it is, I'm working on it. So if I'm a little weird, forgive me, cuz well... aren't we all a little weird? Or if I seem like I'm confiding in a person too much, its basically that I trust that person to not judge me or view me as a burden (both of which I've had happen... not the best source of comfort) ha.

So what's been going on? I've been having lots of issues accepting the good and the bad of life. I'm afraid about how things are going to work in the future, and I'm scared and nervous about what the coming school year will bring. I mean, in the spring, I'll be graduating!! WHAT? And where am I in life? What on a personal level have I acheived? What have I overcome? Where do I go from there? I want to serve a mission, but what about student loans? What about finding a career? What if no one wants to hire me? ahhh. There are so many insecurities. I'm letting them all get to me. And then there are insecurities about relationships.. what if I don't really matter to anyone? what if this person is tired of me? how can i feel like i'm making a difference? what if this person doesn't actually want to be my friend? what if I am alone forever? what if that person is talking about me behind my back? gahh. I'm such a girl, but these are legit feelings of insecurity.

The truth is, I'm feeling a little discouraged by all of these things. This is normal right? I get overwhelmed because well... what can I do about any of these things? I can't really get rid of insecurities, of gossip, of how people view me, BUT i can change how I see others, and how I view myself and the actions I take. Buuuut yea. what should those actions be? How do I overcome this "discouragement"?

The only way I know how is to fill my time with worthwhile friends, service, work, and school. To not give myself the option of quitting no matter how hard it is to keep going. And bring myself to make small changes every day. Maybe eventually this will all fall into place?

I guess I'll be hoping it does. <3